ughhhh

Why am I having such a hard time controlling my eating? I really am trying, and blowing it on the food side. However, I have been running, which is something I NEVER do...ever. I've done about six miles this week, which is about 5.5 more miles than I've ever done in a week lol

Backwards

  For my entire life, when I have wanted to lose weight, it has always been that I am good at being strict with my eating, and inconsistent with working out. Lately, however, it seems to be totally ass backwards! I have discovered the joys of classes at the gym. I have taken and loved PiYo and Zumba. These classes have upped my usual pithy cardio workout into a calorie burning, muscle working beast of a work out and I love it. I think it's something about having all those people around me, and having an instructor watching me that kicks me into a higher gear than I would be on my own.
 
   I am proud that I had the nerve to take that first class, because I discovered something that I really like to do, and, in the exercise world, that's not easy for me to find. My eating has been crappy lately. I start off the day really well, I do well through lunch, and then around dinner I go all out. Pie and french fries with my boyfriend, cookies and cupcakes at work (ugh again?). I really thought that taking these classes would help me in a "I worked so hard in Zumba this morning, I'm not going to waste that on a cupcake" when the reality is that I'm giving myself more of a "hey I busted my ass in Zumba today for five hundred extra calories so I can have this...and this...and this". Poop. I'm really trying not to.

   I'm going to bring my protien shakes back into the equation. I'm hoping that they will remind me how hard I have worked, plus I do have a whole lot extra, hehe. Back at it.

Forgiveness

     I have been doing this for almost four months now. I am proud. This past few days, however, have not made me so proud. Yesterday I binged, and today I bounced back...but I didn't feel good about it. I feel like I'm letting the temptations get the best of me lately. WHY?! I have been around the pastries, cookies, and scones for over 100 days now and I was able to resist. Those stupid, calorie laden, stomach ache waiting to happen, binge inducing nightmares were not an issue and now I can't keep my hands off of them! I was really getting down on myself and was planning on writing an angry blog about how weak I am and how I haven't gone to the gym in forever and how I'm backsliding and losing all the motivation and how bad I suck. And then I read my first post again.

    I read the words of hopeful me, positive me, excited me from four months ago. I read about practicing forgiveness and how this was a journey and I was going to stumble but that I knew I could get back up again. I think I lost track of how far I have come since then. How can I be forty one pounds lighter and so much more cynical! I have had a great start to this journey, and I'm having a little hiccup, but it's okay. In four months, I lost forty stinking pounds! Hell ya! Go me! Eat a freaking cupcake and then remember what you're doing and why you're doing it! I am healthier and am taking big steps for the future me. I am still the happy, positive girl that I was a few short months ago, I just forgot.

    I still have mountains to climb in this journey of mine. I will have roadblocks and hiccups, I will eat crappy food that I will later regret. It's okay. I'm okay with that. Do you hear me future self? It's okay. Forgive and forget! Move on! How much farther have you come? I have made some amazing choices that have brought me to this place, if this was easy, everyone would be doing it. It's not easy and it's okay to mess up every now and then! Learn from your mistakes. Don't be starving when the fresh chocolate chips cookies (with a 420 calorie tag) come out of the oven, eat before then. Don't eat "just a bite" thinking that you will be able to stop there, you won't. You'll eat it all and then more. You know you will. Remember why you're doing this. It's going to be okay, and someday you will look back on this blog and think how silly you were being and how far you have come since then.

Slow and Steady

   I have always been all or nothing. Either I am strict as can be, or I am stuffing my face full. I am proud that, even though I am not being strict and continuing to lose my 2lbs a week, I am still losing and I am also maintaining. I am learning to find that middle ground. If I feel like I'm going to break and binge, I indulge a little and then keep rolling. I have been doing this for a while now. Three and a half months actually...I am still learning and growing and making mistakes with my lifestyle, but I'm sticking too it! It is amazing to be that in the past month I've had cake, pudding, fries, steak, AND I still consider myself to be sticking to it!

   I feel better about myself, I feel stronger, happier, healthier...I proved that I know how to do this and I am capable of doing it. I am down 41 pounds at this moment! I started at 210 and am now at 169...This is the lowest I have been in sosososo long. I am only 9 pounds away from losing all the weight I have put on in the last year. Go me, I think I deserve some new clothes. My work clothes are beyond baggy...I really with i had taken some better "before" pictures to compare to where I am now. I really want to work on my fitness level next. I always say that it seems pointless to work on the fit part when it's covered by all the fat. Well, the fat is going away and I'm losing my excuse to not work hard on getting my butt in shape, I'm going to look into a personal trainer to kick me off!

BLEW IT!

I suck, I suck, I suck, I suck!
I haven't been to the gym in weeks, I managed to drink all juice for five days and yet I can't even stick to a healthy solid diet. I'm stressed, I'm angry, I'm sad. I'm hurt, I feel betrayed, and I want to drive to Michigan and rip my brother's face off.
Tonight I ate my weight in Panera sweets. One of those crappy things can blow my daily calories, and I think I had four...or five. UGH! What is wrong with me. Why am I punishing myself for something that my brother did? It doesn't make any sense at all. I am so angry with him, and each day that goes by with no contact just makes me more and more angry. I can see that it's effecting my diet. I have to be able to stop this bullshit. I cannot let my stupid, selfish, asshole brother ruin everything I have worked so hard for!! I WON"T!

Done and done! And not interested in any juice any time soon...

   I'm sitting here at the end of day five, using all my willpower not to devour this entire salad in one gulp, instead, chewing well and taking it bite by bite. I decided to end the fifth day of my cleanse with a big salad that is essentially everything that I've been drinking...with the fiber. I did a lot of research on how to ease back into eating after the cleanse (I mean, my intestines haven't had to do much work all week!), and a lot of people were saying to keep it raw the first day, stay away from meats and starches for a few days, and DO NOT BINGE!

    It feels amazing to chew. How weird does that sound? Crushing the crispy greens and releasing the flavors of cucumber, avocado, greens, YUM! I don't feel bad about ending the cleanse a little early, until this first bite of salad, I did not cheat at all. I did really good this whole time, and am wanting to ease my tum tum back into actually handling whole foods. I feel good. Healthy, light, thin, I got it all. I did feel like shit all day today. I had a headache, kept dropping stuff, really dizzy at one point, and was super moody. I think if I do this again, I will be keeping it to a three day cleanse instead of five.

Overcoming.

      Yesterday was rough...No, let me rephrase that. Yesterday DAY was awesome. My skin is glowing, I had tons of energy, and I'm really seeing a decrease in my bulgy belly. I felt so good that I was even considering extending my cleanse Skip to that evening, I was not happy, I wanted food and I wanted it right then. Oddly, I'm not craving sweets and fats and crap, but I really want a big salad with grilled salmon, or some killer spaghetti squash with mushrooms and feta, oh! or maybe baked chicken marinated in pineapple juice with a side of califlower rice with coconut!

   What the what!? I guess I'm glad that these are my cravings instead of the cheeseburger, fries, ice cream, omelet cravings I was having a few days ago. It does seem silly to be withholding healthy, nutritious food that my body needs, but I am dedicated to this, and only have a day and a half left :) I can do it! Some of the research I did said that if you have to chew something, have some celery or some avocado and salt. Others said that you should have a little lean protein in the evenings. When I started, I decided that I would not be eating anything but the fresh fruit and veggie juice that I was making myself. I've stuck to that for 3.5 days now and I'm finally in the home stretch!

  I'm planning on having a really awesome meal when I'm all done with this. Nothing too crazy, I'm sure my stomach is shrunken. I weighed myself on Saturday morning at 177.8. A lot of that was water weight from my vacation drinking and my 36 hour binge, but I weighed in this morning at 172 :) I'm sure that once I eat, some of that will come right back, but it's still a nice number to see.

Day two of juicccccce!

   Okay, so I did a lot of research before starting my five day cleanse. I read about if I should work out, if I needed to add protein, if I should do five or three or seven days....blah blah blah. I read about people who claimed that they felt amazing, and people who gave up on the first or second day. I don't really know how I was expecting my experience to go, but so far, I am pleasantly surprised.

   Yesterday was weird because with all of my calorie counting, my days tend to revolve around food. I don't think I'm obsessive or anything, but in order to have a healthy day, I have to think about what I'm going to eat, and when. These past two days, I have had everything all ready to go and, even though I'm not hungry, I think about what I'm going to eat. I was pouring soup on the line and I thought "Black bean soup with avocado for lunch!" Then I remembered that not only was I not going to have that for lunch, I was not going to have that for quite a few days...that was odd.

    I think I tried to add too much into my drinks yesterday, I wasn't too happy with the super kale/spinach taste of 4/6 of my juices and by my fourth drink, I was wondering how the hell I was going to make it through four and a half more days of it! This morning, I made the juices more simple and balanced, and thoroughly enjoyed the finished project. I used a lot of lemon which freshened things up, and I was busy at work, which REALLY helped keep my mind off it.

  I feel very light, happy, and full. Today I had a TON of energy...which was odd because I haven't had any coffee either. This also the first time that I have gone gold turkey on caffeine and not suffered the nasty headaches that usually accompany it. I was not sure when I started if I would be able to finish this all the way through, now I am very confident and proud of what I'm doing. I can do this!

Vacation!

    Well, no use for the exclamation point...vacation is over, I'm back. My time on the lake was absolutely perfect. I feel refreshed and ready to take on the world. Surprisingly, I ate very well too. My parents are on the Paleo trip right now, so I ate lots of veggies (hellooooo cauliflower rice) and yummy meat. Okay...so there was also lots of goat cheese and dark chocolate, but it was vacation!
  
    I did slip up a smidge, but not until the way back. The travel portion was stressful and nasty and drove me to food! No excuse, but I totally got a breakfast burrito for my trip home, I ended up not liking it and not eating it, but the chips that came with it were sososososo good! When I finally got home, Juan took me to a real breakfast and I went all out! Omelet (egg white!) with BACON, and cheese and avocado, and a side of potatoes with bread and jelly and a mimosa O MY! Later I killed a bag of pretzel chips with hummus and then a cheeseburger for dinner....whoa! It feels kind of good to get it off my chest and write that down.

   I felt like shit the next day. I don't regret all the stuff I ate...it was so yummy! But I almost feel like eating that way was an enabler to get back on track. I was so bloated and gassy and tired that I actually craved my healthy eating way and my tummy back the way it was before.

   Before I left, I bought I juicer. I think I was half expecting myself to blow it for six days straight and need to have that expensive appliance to remind me how dedicated I am to this healthy lifestyle. My fridge and counter tops are so full of fruits and veggies right now because I am going to be doing a five day juice cleanse! I've been reading all about them, the good and the bad, and I'm really excited to try it. I really don't think you can judge things like that until you try them yourself.  Guess we shall see :)

Can't believe my eyes

    I slept in this morning (it was insanely glorious!). This doesn't happen often, especially with my newfound lifestyle, I find myself waking earlier and more rested. Anywhoooo...I rolled out of bed and made my way to the living room, where my boyfriend was lacing up his boots to head to work, and I couldn't believe my eyes! Next to him, on the coffee table, was the remains of a bowl of oatmeal!!!!
  
   Allow me to explain my shock. I met Juan about three years ago while we were both associates in downtown Panera Bread. He was cute (and slightly scary), and for some reason was attracted to me! He took me surfing and out to eat in some hidden Mexican hole in the wall places. He paid for everything and opened my car door and shut it after I got in. I remember the first few dates like they were yesterday...but one thing I really remember was the first time he pulled off his shirt. We were going surfing for the first time, and although I knew that he was muscled and bulged in his polo, I was not prepared for my breath being taken away when he revealed a finely chiseled chest and arms.  YUM!

   Now, he was kind, and sweet, funny, goofy, loved my animals, and treated me well, I fell in love with all of that (the body was just a bonus). In these past three years, both of us have packed on the pounds :) I have been working so hard lately to bring that number back down...I cook healthy dinners and Juan eats them because it's there and hopefully he likes it! But I am in no way trying to push my lifestyle on him. Every morning I eat either oatmeal with fruit, or yogurt with fruit and cereal. He usually eats 5-6 eggs with some sort of sausage...hehe I'm jealous. I ask him if he wants oatmeal while I'm making it, but the answer is always a resounding "no". I'm proud of him and hoping that he is starting to make some better decisions.

    I haven't been doing so well, nutrition-wise. I start the day so well, and slowly fall off the wagon. I'm noticing that it happens especially when I close or work late. Those cookies are just so DAMN tempting. I'm still losing about a pound a week, so I'm not blowing it. But my main goal is not weight loss, though it's been nice, but an overall healthy lifestyle. I just ordered a juicer, and am thinking about doing a 5 day cleanse when I get it. I'm hoping that it will get me back on the wagon. I am 76 days strong (except for a few cookies) and 33 pounds down. Slow and steady wins the race!

Sixty days strong

   I have celebrated my sixty days and am still rocking it! I am proud of my progress, and the compliments are rolling in. Call me conceited, but the comments from my coworkers and other people are giving me that extra boost I need to stick to it! I had a little gym lull last week, I was working late mids and just couldn't drag my ass out of bed for an am work out, and the gym was closed by the time I was off...Not exactly a good excuse, but it happened. I have picked it back up and am cardio strong at the moment, can't get into the strength training though, I know it's important...but there's just no motivation there, I feel like I need to get rid of all the fat before I can even worry about the muscles.

    I currently weigh below 180...the lowest I've been in over six months! It's just a number, it's just a number, it's just a number...BUT THAT NUMBER IS BELOW 180! I may have squealed a smidge when that number showed up.

   My love took me on a date the other day. He wouldn't clue me in to where we were going, but I knew we'd be eating...I hit the gym that day and ate well and was SO excited when we headed to Old Town. After we went surfing on our first date, though I don't think either of us was sure if it was a date or not, he took me to his favorite Mexican place, it was amazing! I was a vegetarian at the time and had found that most places made a veg burrito with everything but the meat...BORING! This place stuffed the burrito with fajita veggies, black beans, fresh rice, and guacamole, and makes their own awesome sauces...I fell in love! This time, even though I am no longer a vegetarian, I ordered the same burrito. For the sake of calories (and to save my now shrunken tummy) I left off the rice, but that didn't stop me from helping myself to some of Juan's nachos during dinner. O man! The tortilla was fresh! The beans homemade, and the sauce I doused on the burrito was spicy and amazing. I was in heaven.

   After that we strolled around Old Town (and that was hard with such a full belly!). We found a little shop that sold all the candy from J's childhood and stocked up. I had told myself that I would let the date be my cheat night to treat myself for all the hard work I've put in, and didn't even end up cheating at all with my burrito...so when J suggested we stop for frozen yogurt on the way home, there was no way I could say no. I was concerned that my treat could carry into the next day (and the next), but I actually found it easy to pick back up on the healthy train because I was feeling kinda gross from the meal. Go me!

One cookie...

  As I've said before, I suck at binges. I'm not talking "Oops I went to taco bell and accidentally ate forty dollars worth of food." binges, I'm talking "Ate one piece of chocolate and then all I do is stuff my face for the next four months" kind of binges. Today was the first time that I was able to stop one. I am struggling between the place of being mad at myself for giving in to the temptation, and being unbelievably proud that I not only recognized it, but was able to stop it in it's nasty, binge-y tracks!

     I didn't even have a "binge" today. My coworker cut up a bunch of chocolate chip cookies for samples at work today. I ate one, thinking that I would indulge my little craving and be done, but ended up stuffing several more in my mouth. I'd say I ended up eating about a half of one of our monstrous cookies, or the equivalent of over 200 calories! As I walked through the cafe, with the creamy chocolate still coating my teeth, I started seeing all the things I had been missing out on these past few months. Fatty pastas called my name, cream based soups begged to have some crusty bread dipped in them and devoured, sugary pastries reminded me what an affair we used to have, and I could feel a crazy, month long, painful, bloating binge coming on.

   I took a deep breath, munched a small handful of salty croutons to balance that sweet/salty thing we all love so much, ate a bit of protein to help my hunger, and drank a shit ton of water. When I came home, I ate a little more protein and a larabar, and am now sitting down with my tea to finish my day. I stopped that binge in it's tracks!! I even came in slightly under calories for the day! I can do this, I will be okay.

   I have worked to hard to lose everything because of some silly cookie from a freezer! I enjoy the food that I'm eating but I think that I have not been paying close enough attention to what my body is craving. I have been working so much and being busy on my off days so I haven't been allowing myself the indulgence that I need to continue this lifestyle. At first, I was eating lasagna, pizza, and fro yo, while still fitting it into my calories by exercising, but it's been a while since I did that, and my calorie counts have been pretty low as I've been too busy to plan my foods so I just don't eat. I haven't been able to go to the gym, or cook. My next day off is Wednesday so I plan on having a "me" day. I'll hit the gym or hike and plan an awesome dinner for myself, I'm thinking lasagna. I won't give up, I can do this.  

45 days!

   I will not say that I'm not having the occasional craving or struggle, but, for some reason, I'm finding this time to be, dare I say, easier than usual. I am feeling happy and healthy, save for the occasional downer moment where I hate on myself a bit for letting myself get here. I am switching up my eating and my exercise and trying new things, I actually LIKE what I'm doing.
  
    One of the main things that I'm doing differently is that I am following several fitness blogs. I know, it sounds silly, but I really think that it's helping me! Instead of feeling crappy reading about how these girls have attained their fitness goals and continue to live a healthy lifestyle, I feel connected to them. We are on the same journey, they are just further along than I am. They have advice for the obstacles that they have already overcome, the ones that I still have to face :) Everything is easier with a support group, and this is mine.

Accountability

   I guess you could say that I'm using this outlet to hold myself accountable...and not in the way one might think. I'm doing good with my exercise and eating plan, really well actually (minus the not needed munchies in the evening, which I'm working on). No, the accountability I'm finding here is not dropping back to that place where I have to play for every mistake. It's not beating myself up because I didn't lose the weight I was expecting to lose. I keep trying to remind myself that it's not about the number on the scale, some days I have to say that more than others, but it's here that I'm finding it true. When I stand on my scale and see the numbers, it's not easy to remember the main goal, the big picture.

       Here, I am alone with my thoughts and I'm able to really dissect how I'm feeling and what is causing the negative thoughts. What is it that makes me so down on myself? I used to be so positive but when I see how far I still have to go, it's daunting and easy to backslide. UGHHHHH!!!!!

    But I know I can do it! I am on day 43! No huge binges, no big regrets, I am making progress one day at a time. I tracked my eating in the past year, and this is the longest that I have stuck to it. I've only beat my best record by a day or two, but I beat it! I hiked Cowles Mountain TWICE this week. My muscles are sore and my feet are blistered but I feel awesome about that! That's what it's all about for me right now, I am proud of myself for what I'm doing and I'm doing it for me, not for anyone else

36 days in

Today I am feeling proud. Every meal is a chance for me to make yummy and healthy decisions, and I'm doing it! 4th of July is a time for barbequing and drinking! I went out with some friends to see fireworks in Seaport Village (a tradition), we had time to kill before the show so we went to grab a bite to eat. I had the BIGGEST glass of water ever, and a yummy grilled chicken and avocado salad. I had worked out before heading downtown but still didn't drink or overeat, not to mention we walked our asses all over the place that day!
Today, the scale reflected my progress with it's judgmental digital numbers. Another pound! This time, the screen celebrated with me instead of bringing me down. I am on day 36 of this new lifestyle and am already so pleased with the results.

Eye opening...

    I've been doing so good, eating right, working out and staying active, and keeping my mind healthy by attempting to banish the nasty thoughts that pick at me while I try to attempt this difficult feat. I use the myfitnesspal ap and website to help me track my calories, exercise, and progress. It is so handy and almost always has the food that I'm wanting to log. Yesterday, I was bored and poking around in the history of my myfitnesspal account. The program will track your weight all the way back a full year. I couldn't believe what I saw. At this time, one year ago, I weighed 161 pounds...161.
   Somehow, in my brain, I had convinced myself that I had only gained 20 pounds or so. That I was only a little off track and just needed to kill a few pounds to get back to where I was. In one year, I gained 50 pounds!! How did I not notice what I was doing to myself, how did I not catch myself and fix the problem before it got so out of hand? I just started hating on myself so hard. There is was right in front of me. There was the evidence of my failure, how gross I was...I started to spiral out of control in my head. I didn't fully realize the difficult path that lay ahead of me. My wounded ego welcomed those voices in my head. They told me I was no good, that I couldn't lose the weight or be healthy, that I was just going to be fat because I always go back to the pizza and taco bell...I could literally feel myself sinking into that crappy place where I wasn't good enough.
   Then I took a second. I looked around the room. My boyfriend was sitting next to me playing on his phone. That reminded me of the day we decided to have our phones on the same contract (relationship step!). He doesn't care if I gain a few pounds, or fifty! Not once during this last year had he made one single degrading comment about my weight. He loves me, and that is way more than some silly insecurity buried in my brain and surfacing when I started to backslide.
   I looked at my brother, sitting on the other couch. I had convinced him to leave his couch hopping days behind him and join me in sunny San Diego. I supported him, helped him get a car, a job, and a place to live. I did all of that and it had nothing to do with my weight.
  In the past year, I received two AWESOME promotions at work. I went from making eight bucks an hour to 35,000 a year. I worked hard to get to where I am, and I did it while I was fat.
  Being fat doesn't define me, it doesn't hold me back or stop me from getting what I want. I am trying to be more healthy overall, and that means accepting myself for where I am and what I can do, and slowly making progress in the right direction. It means confronting my demons and the voices who say I can't and telling me that they don't matter to me.
   I am proud of me for what I can do. I have to learn to love myself regardless of what I look like. This journey will just be one more thing that I can love myself for.

Happy that I'm better at this fitness thing than blogging

    If this blog were a representation of my dedication and motivation in my fitness life, I would be a huge failure. However, I have been kicking ASS in this area. I am motivated and determined, I am rocking it out and eating healthy. I am on day 28 and I am down 19 pounds! I am not crazy, and I understand that the first 8-10 pounds were most likely water weight from the de-bloating that healthy eating brings, but it is still awesome motivation to see the numbers on the scale drop so quickly.
  
    I am spending time evaluating my previous healthy eating attempts and figuring out what went wrong and how I can avoid those mistakes. The first thing I am trying to change is depriving myself. If I don't allow myself to indulge here and there, I WILL binge later when I finally break. The last time I was eating healthy, my boyfriend brought me a box of chocolate. In the span of 15 minutes, I had gone from allowing myself one piece, to eating the whole box.  In the past 28 days, I have had pizza, fro-yo, lasagna, etc and am still fitting that into my daily calories and work out routine. Obviously I am doing it in a smart way and not binging and thinking I can work it off later. So far, so good.

    Another thing that I have been working on is my body image. Too often, I allow the numbers on the scale to dictate my mood and over-all self worth. If they go down, I am motivated, if they go up, I can become depressed and feel the need to deprive myself or immediately head to the gym. I know this sounds borderline eating disorder-ish, but I'm working on it. I am only weighing in once a week (Sunday morning) and also taking my tummy, hips, and leg measurements to more accurately track my progress.

   I am proud and I am strong. I can do this and I will.

Starting Over

       How many times have I done this? I am a crash diet expert. Four years ago I did it, and I did it good. I brought myself from my unhealthy, stoned, binging ways all the way to my weight goal. Now, here I am again, having to start over because I lost all that self control and self worth that I earn with my weight-loss adventure. I can crash diet, and I can do it good. Twenty pounds falls off like it was never there, I hit the gym like a madwoman....and then I eat a piece of chocolate and it all goes to hell.
  This time, I'm going all out. I'm following all the advice, sticking to a plan, blogging about it, having a friend to hold me accountable, and most of all, I will practice forgiveness. I have to learn to forgive myself. I am not perfect. I will mess up in this journey, but I have to forgive and move foreword. I love myself and am ready to show my physical body that I love it enough to fuel it correctly, push it to achieve fitness goals, and that I can do it! This time, it's not about weight-loss, obviously that will come with the rest of it, but this time, I am going for health and fitness.
      I want to eat correctly and integrate exercise into my daily routine. Not only just at the gym, but also to have an active lifestyle. Walking around the neighborhood instead of sitting on the couch, not worrying about getting the closest parking spot, etc. I want to be emotionally healthy as well. I want to have peace with what I do. I want to sleep well without worrying about everything. I am considering meditation or a yoga class to learn to stop, just stop, and focus on me.
   Today is day one. I am confident that I can do this. Here we go!