Back at it with a new attitude!

     For the first time, I got back into my healthy lifestyle without feeling like I was starting from scratch. I am on a huge endorphin high right now, so this will probably be a super positive post. I have been dabbling in the Tone it Up fitness section and one of the things they suggest is journeling, so I thought I'd try this again.

   I always say that I won't let the number on the scale get to me, and then I keep weighing myself! How does that make sense? Of course the number is going to get to me, if I keep jumping on that scale. I haven't lost any pounds in the past couple weeks, despite keeping my eating on point and working out a lot. This has NEVER happened! But, what I'm doing differently is adding a lot of weights to my workout routine, instead of just being a cardio whore. Today, I took a sports bra and underwear pic and compared it to some of my older progress pics. At 181, I think I look better than I did at 169 when I was just doing cardio instead of a full, well-rounded workout.

   It felt good to see that, since I've been subconciously stressing about the scale. I hiked my ass up Cowles Mountain today :) I was thinking about the first time I attempted it, I went with Juan and drove him crazy because I had to stop a zillion times and catch my breath, I almost puked, and thought I was dying, but I made it to the top. I've gone up several times since that first time but this was the first time that I trucked it all the way up and only stopped twice. I'm not saying it wasn't a struggle, it was HARD! But I can't believe how strong I felt today.

   I would much rather feel strong than be skinny/fat. I want muscles and endurance, not to just lose fat. I am using that as my motivation this time, not just wanting to be skinny. I woke up at seven thirty on my day off and knocked out my workout, yesterday was supposed to be a rest day, and I was so antsy that I did a quick HIT Cardio workout on Youtube.

   I feel great and hope to keep this up, I have never felt this healthy and that is the only motivation that I need!

ughhhh

Why am I having such a hard time controlling my eating? I really am trying, and blowing it on the food side. However, I have been running, which is something I NEVER do...ever. I've done about six miles this week, which is about 5.5 more miles than I've ever done in a week lol

Backwards

  For my entire life, when I have wanted to lose weight, it has always been that I am good at being strict with my eating, and inconsistent with working out. Lately, however, it seems to be totally ass backwards! I have discovered the joys of classes at the gym. I have taken and loved PiYo and Zumba. These classes have upped my usual pithy cardio workout into a calorie burning, muscle working beast of a work out and I love it. I think it's something about having all those people around me, and having an instructor watching me that kicks me into a higher gear than I would be on my own.
 
   I am proud that I had the nerve to take that first class, because I discovered something that I really like to do, and, in the exercise world, that's not easy for me to find. My eating has been crappy lately. I start off the day really well, I do well through lunch, and then around dinner I go all out. Pie and french fries with my boyfriend, cookies and cupcakes at work (ugh again?). I really thought that taking these classes would help me in a "I worked so hard in Zumba this morning, I'm not going to waste that on a cupcake" when the reality is that I'm giving myself more of a "hey I busted my ass in Zumba today for five hundred extra calories so I can have this...and this...and this". Poop. I'm really trying not to.

   I'm going to bring my protien shakes back into the equation. I'm hoping that they will remind me how hard I have worked, plus I do have a whole lot extra, hehe. Back at it.

Forgiveness

     I have been doing this for almost four months now. I am proud. This past few days, however, have not made me so proud. Yesterday I binged, and today I bounced back...but I didn't feel good about it. I feel like I'm letting the temptations get the best of me lately. WHY?! I have been around the pastries, cookies, and scones for over 100 days now and I was able to resist. Those stupid, calorie laden, stomach ache waiting to happen, binge inducing nightmares were not an issue and now I can't keep my hands off of them! I was really getting down on myself and was planning on writing an angry blog about how weak I am and how I haven't gone to the gym in forever and how I'm backsliding and losing all the motivation and how bad I suck. And then I read my first post again.

    I read the words of hopeful me, positive me, excited me from four months ago. I read about practicing forgiveness and how this was a journey and I was going to stumble but that I knew I could get back up again. I think I lost track of how far I have come since then. How can I be forty one pounds lighter and so much more cynical! I have had a great start to this journey, and I'm having a little hiccup, but it's okay. In four months, I lost forty stinking pounds! Hell ya! Go me! Eat a freaking cupcake and then remember what you're doing and why you're doing it! I am healthier and am taking big steps for the future me. I am still the happy, positive girl that I was a few short months ago, I just forgot.

    I still have mountains to climb in this journey of mine. I will have roadblocks and hiccups, I will eat crappy food that I will later regret. It's okay. I'm okay with that. Do you hear me future self? It's okay. Forgive and forget! Move on! How much farther have you come? I have made some amazing choices that have brought me to this place, if this was easy, everyone would be doing it. It's not easy and it's okay to mess up every now and then! Learn from your mistakes. Don't be starving when the fresh chocolate chips cookies (with a 420 calorie tag) come out of the oven, eat before then. Don't eat "just a bite" thinking that you will be able to stop there, you won't. You'll eat it all and then more. You know you will. Remember why you're doing this. It's going to be okay, and someday you will look back on this blog and think how silly you were being and how far you have come since then.

Slow and Steady

   I have always been all or nothing. Either I am strict as can be, or I am stuffing my face full. I am proud that, even though I am not being strict and continuing to lose my 2lbs a week, I am still losing and I am also maintaining. I am learning to find that middle ground. If I feel like I'm going to break and binge, I indulge a little and then keep rolling. I have been doing this for a while now. Three and a half months actually...I am still learning and growing and making mistakes with my lifestyle, but I'm sticking too it! It is amazing to be that in the past month I've had cake, pudding, fries, steak, AND I still consider myself to be sticking to it!

   I feel better about myself, I feel stronger, happier, healthier...I proved that I know how to do this and I am capable of doing it. I am down 41 pounds at this moment! I started at 210 and am now at 169...This is the lowest I have been in sosososo long. I am only 9 pounds away from losing all the weight I have put on in the last year. Go me, I think I deserve some new clothes. My work clothes are beyond baggy...I really with i had taken some better "before" pictures to compare to where I am now. I really want to work on my fitness level next. I always say that it seems pointless to work on the fit part when it's covered by all the fat. Well, the fat is going away and I'm losing my excuse to not work hard on getting my butt in shape, I'm going to look into a personal trainer to kick me off!

BLEW IT!

I suck, I suck, I suck, I suck!
I haven't been to the gym in weeks, I managed to drink all juice for five days and yet I can't even stick to a healthy solid diet. I'm stressed, I'm angry, I'm sad. I'm hurt, I feel betrayed, and I want to drive to Michigan and rip my brother's face off.
Tonight I ate my weight in Panera sweets. One of those crappy things can blow my daily calories, and I think I had four...or five. UGH! What is wrong with me. Why am I punishing myself for something that my brother did? It doesn't make any sense at all. I am so angry with him, and each day that goes by with no contact just makes me more and more angry. I can see that it's effecting my diet. I have to be able to stop this bullshit. I cannot let my stupid, selfish, asshole brother ruin everything I have worked so hard for!! I WON"T!

Done and done! And not interested in any juice any time soon...

   I'm sitting here at the end of day five, using all my willpower not to devour this entire salad in one gulp, instead, chewing well and taking it bite by bite. I decided to end the fifth day of my cleanse with a big salad that is essentially everything that I've been drinking...with the fiber. I did a lot of research on how to ease back into eating after the cleanse (I mean, my intestines haven't had to do much work all week!), and a lot of people were saying to keep it raw the first day, stay away from meats and starches for a few days, and DO NOT BINGE!

    It feels amazing to chew. How weird does that sound? Crushing the crispy greens and releasing the flavors of cucumber, avocado, greens, YUM! I don't feel bad about ending the cleanse a little early, until this first bite of salad, I did not cheat at all. I did really good this whole time, and am wanting to ease my tum tum back into actually handling whole foods. I feel good. Healthy, light, thin, I got it all. I did feel like shit all day today. I had a headache, kept dropping stuff, really dizzy at one point, and was super moody. I think if I do this again, I will be keeping it to a three day cleanse instead of five.