As I've said before, I suck at binges. I'm not talking "Oops I went to taco bell and accidentally ate forty dollars worth of food." binges, I'm talking "Ate one piece of chocolate and then all I do is stuff my face for the next four months" kind of binges. Today was the first time that I was able to stop one. I am struggling between the place of being mad at myself for giving in to the temptation, and being unbelievably proud that I not only recognized it, but was able to stop it in it's nasty, binge-y tracks!
I didn't even have a "binge" today. My coworker cut up a bunch of chocolate chip cookies for samples at work today. I ate one, thinking that I would indulge my little craving and be done, but ended up stuffing several more in my mouth. I'd say I ended up eating about a half of one of our monstrous cookies, or the equivalent of over 200 calories! As I walked through the cafe, with the creamy chocolate still coating my teeth, I started seeing all the things I had been missing out on these past few months. Fatty pastas called my name, cream based soups begged to have some crusty bread dipped in them and devoured, sugary pastries reminded me what an affair we used to have, and I could feel a crazy, month long, painful, bloating binge coming on.
I took a deep breath, munched a small handful of salty croutons to balance that sweet/salty thing we all love so much, ate a bit of protein to help my hunger, and drank a shit ton of water. When I came home, I ate a little more protein and a larabar, and am now sitting down with my tea to finish my day. I stopped that binge in it's tracks!! I even came in slightly under calories for the day! I can do this, I will be okay.
I have worked to hard to lose everything because of some silly cookie from a freezer! I enjoy the food that I'm eating but I think that I have not been paying close enough attention to what my body is craving. I have been working so much and being busy on my off days so I haven't been allowing myself the indulgence that I need to continue this lifestyle. At first, I was eating lasagna, pizza, and fro yo, while still fitting it into my calories by exercising, but it's been a while since I did that, and my calorie counts have been pretty low as I've been too busy to plan my foods so I just don't eat. I haven't been able to go to the gym, or cook. My next day off is Wednesday so I plan on having a "me" day. I'll hit the gym or hike and plan an awesome dinner for myself, I'm thinking lasagna. I won't give up, I can do this.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
45 days!
I will not say that I'm not having the occasional craving or struggle, but, for some reason, I'm finding this time to be, dare I say, easier than usual. I am feeling happy and healthy, save for the occasional downer moment where I hate on myself a bit for letting myself get here. I am switching up my eating and my exercise and trying new things, I actually LIKE what I'm doing.
One of the main things that I'm doing differently is that I am following several fitness blogs. I know, it sounds silly, but I really think that it's helping me! Instead of feeling crappy reading about how these girls have attained their fitness goals and continue to live a healthy lifestyle, I feel connected to them. We are on the same journey, they are just further along than I am. They have advice for the obstacles that they have already overcome, the ones that I still have to face :) Everything is easier with a support group, and this is mine.
One of the main things that I'm doing differently is that I am following several fitness blogs. I know, it sounds silly, but I really think that it's helping me! Instead of feeling crappy reading about how these girls have attained their fitness goals and continue to live a healthy lifestyle, I feel connected to them. We are on the same journey, they are just further along than I am. They have advice for the obstacles that they have already overcome, the ones that I still have to face :) Everything is easier with a support group, and this is mine.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Accountability
I guess you could say that I'm using this outlet to hold myself accountable...and not in the way one might think. I'm doing good with my exercise and eating plan, really well actually (minus the not needed munchies in the evening, which I'm working on). No, the accountability I'm finding here is not dropping back to that place where I have to play for every mistake. It's not beating myself up because I didn't lose the weight I was expecting to lose. I keep trying to remind myself that it's not about the number on the scale, some days I have to say that more than others, but it's here that I'm finding it true. When I stand on my scale and see the numbers, it's not easy to remember the main goal, the big picture.
Here, I am alone with my thoughts and I'm able to really dissect how I'm feeling and what is causing the negative thoughts. What is it that makes me so down on myself? I used to be so positive but when I see how far I still have to go, it's daunting and easy to backslide. UGHHHHH!!!!!
But I know I can do it! I am on day 43! No huge binges, no big regrets, I am making progress one day at a time. I tracked my eating in the past year, and this is the longest that I have stuck to it. I've only beat my best record by a day or two, but I beat it! I hiked Cowles Mountain TWICE this week. My muscles are sore and my feet are blistered but I feel awesome about that! That's what it's all about for me right now, I am proud of myself for what I'm doing and I'm doing it for me, not for anyone else
Here, I am alone with my thoughts and I'm able to really dissect how I'm feeling and what is causing the negative thoughts. What is it that makes me so down on myself? I used to be so positive but when I see how far I still have to go, it's daunting and easy to backslide. UGHHHHH!!!!!
But I know I can do it! I am on day 43! No huge binges, no big regrets, I am making progress one day at a time. I tracked my eating in the past year, and this is the longest that I have stuck to it. I've only beat my best record by a day or two, but I beat it! I hiked Cowles Mountain TWICE this week. My muscles are sore and my feet are blistered but I feel awesome about that! That's what it's all about for me right now, I am proud of myself for what I'm doing and I'm doing it for me, not for anyone else
Saturday, July 6, 2013
36 days in
Today I am feeling proud. Every meal is a chance for me to make yummy and healthy decisions, and I'm doing it! 4th of July is a time for barbequing and drinking! I went out with some friends to see fireworks in Seaport Village (a tradition), we had time to kill before the show so we went to grab a bite to eat. I had the BIGGEST glass of water ever, and a yummy grilled chicken and avocado salad. I had worked out before heading downtown but still didn't drink or overeat, not to mention we walked our asses all over the place that day!
Today, the scale reflected my progress with it's judgmental digital numbers. Another pound! This time, the screen celebrated with me instead of bringing me down. I am on day 36 of this new lifestyle and am already so pleased with the results.
Today, the scale reflected my progress with it's judgmental digital numbers. Another pound! This time, the screen celebrated with me instead of bringing me down. I am on day 36 of this new lifestyle and am already so pleased with the results.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Eye opening...
I've been doing so good, eating right, working out and staying active, and keeping my mind healthy by attempting to banish the nasty thoughts that pick at me while I try to attempt this difficult feat. I use the myfitnesspal ap and website to help me track my calories, exercise, and progress. It is so handy and almost always has the food that I'm wanting to log. Yesterday, I was bored and poking around in the history of my myfitnesspal account. The program will track your weight all the way back a full year. I couldn't believe what I saw. At this time, one year ago, I weighed 161 pounds...161.
Somehow, in my brain, I had convinced myself that I had only gained 20 pounds or so. That I was only a little off track and just needed to kill a few pounds to get back to where I was. In one year, I gained 50 pounds!! How did I not notice what I was doing to myself, how did I not catch myself and fix the problem before it got so out of hand? I just started hating on myself so hard. There is was right in front of me. There was the evidence of my failure, how gross I was...I started to spiral out of control in my head. I didn't fully realize the difficult path that lay ahead of me. My wounded ego welcomed those voices in my head. They told me I was no good, that I couldn't lose the weight or be healthy, that I was just going to be fat because I always go back to the pizza and taco bell...I could literally feel myself sinking into that crappy place where I wasn't good enough.
Then I took a second. I looked around the room. My boyfriend was sitting next to me playing on his phone. That reminded me of the day we decided to have our phones on the same contract (relationship step!). He doesn't care if I gain a few pounds, or fifty! Not once during this last year had he made one single degrading comment about my weight. He loves me, and that is way more than some silly insecurity buried in my brain and surfacing when I started to backslide.
I looked at my brother, sitting on the other couch. I had convinced him to leave his couch hopping days behind him and join me in sunny San Diego. I supported him, helped him get a car, a job, and a place to live. I did all of that and it had nothing to do with my weight.
In the past year, I received two AWESOME promotions at work. I went from making eight bucks an hour to 35,000 a year. I worked hard to get to where I am, and I did it while I was fat.
Being fat doesn't define me, it doesn't hold me back or stop me from getting what I want. I am trying to be more healthy overall, and that means accepting myself for where I am and what I can do, and slowly making progress in the right direction. It means confronting my demons and the voices who say I can't and telling me that they don't matter to me.
I am proud of me for what I can do. I have to learn to love myself regardless of what I look like. This journey will just be one more thing that I can love myself for.
Somehow, in my brain, I had convinced myself that I had only gained 20 pounds or so. That I was only a little off track and just needed to kill a few pounds to get back to where I was. In one year, I gained 50 pounds!! How did I not notice what I was doing to myself, how did I not catch myself and fix the problem before it got so out of hand? I just started hating on myself so hard. There is was right in front of me. There was the evidence of my failure, how gross I was...I started to spiral out of control in my head. I didn't fully realize the difficult path that lay ahead of me. My wounded ego welcomed those voices in my head. They told me I was no good, that I couldn't lose the weight or be healthy, that I was just going to be fat because I always go back to the pizza and taco bell...I could literally feel myself sinking into that crappy place where I wasn't good enough.
Then I took a second. I looked around the room. My boyfriend was sitting next to me playing on his phone. That reminded me of the day we decided to have our phones on the same contract (relationship step!). He doesn't care if I gain a few pounds, or fifty! Not once during this last year had he made one single degrading comment about my weight. He loves me, and that is way more than some silly insecurity buried in my brain and surfacing when I started to backslide.
I looked at my brother, sitting on the other couch. I had convinced him to leave his couch hopping days behind him and join me in sunny San Diego. I supported him, helped him get a car, a job, and a place to live. I did all of that and it had nothing to do with my weight.
In the past year, I received two AWESOME promotions at work. I went from making eight bucks an hour to 35,000 a year. I worked hard to get to where I am, and I did it while I was fat.
Being fat doesn't define me, it doesn't hold me back or stop me from getting what I want. I am trying to be more healthy overall, and that means accepting myself for where I am and what I can do, and slowly making progress in the right direction. It means confronting my demons and the voices who say I can't and telling me that they don't matter to me.
I am proud of me for what I can do. I have to learn to love myself regardless of what I look like. This journey will just be one more thing that I can love myself for.
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